Ch. 6 Requesting That Which Would Enrich Life 

Chapter 6 – Requesting That Which Would Enrich Life, page 67.

• We have now covered the first three components of NVC, which address what we are observing, feelings, and needing. 
• We have learned to do this without criticizing, analyzing, blaming, or diagnosing others, and in a way likely to inspire compassion.
• The fourth and final component of this process addresses what we would like to request of others to enrich our lives.
• When our needs are not being fulfilled, we follow the expression of what we are observing, feeling, and needing with a specific request: we ask for actions that might fulfill our needs. 

Using Positive Action Language 

• First of all, we express what we are requesting rather than what we are not requesting. 
• Two problems are commonly encountered when requests are worded in the negative:
  • People are often confused as to what is actually being requested. 
  • Negative requests are likely to provoke resistance. 
• In addition to using positive language, we want to word our requests in the form of concrete actions and avoid vague, abstract, or ambiguous phrasing. 
• Often, the use of vague and abstract language can mask oppressive interpersonal games. 
• Making requests in clear, positive, concrete action language reveals what we really want. 
• Vague language contributes to internal confusion. 

Making Requests Consciously 

• When we simply express our feelings, it may not be clear to the listener what we want them to do. 
• Often, we are simply not conscious of what we are requesting when we speak. 
• We talk to or at others without knowing how to engage in a dialogue with them. We toss out words, using the presence of others as a wastebasket. In such situations, the listener, unable to discern a clear request in the speaker’s words, may experience a kind of distrust. 
• Requests may sound like demands when unaccompanied by the speaker’s feelings and needs. 
• It is common for people to talk without being conscious of what they are asking for. 
• I believe that, whenever we say something to another person, we are requesting something in return. It may simply be an empathetic connection – a verbal or nonverbal acknowledgment. 
• The clearer we are on what we want back from the other person, the more likely it is that our needs will be met. 

Asking for Reflection 

• As we know, the message we send is not always the message that’s being received. 
• We generally rely on verbal cues to determine whether the message has been understood to our satisfaction. 
• If, however, we’re uncertain that it has been received as intended, we need to be able to clearly request a response that tells us how the message was heard so as to be able to correct any misunderstanding. 
• On some occasions, a simple question like, “Is that clear?” will suffice.  
• At other times, we need more than, “Yes, I understood you,” to feel confident that we’ve been truly understood.
  • At such times, we might ask others to repeat our message back to us in their own words.
  • We then have the opportunity to restate parts of our message to address any discrepancy or omission we might have noticed in their reflection.
• Be sure to express appreciation when your listener tries to meet your request for a reflection. 
• When we first begin asking others to reflect back what they heard us say, it may feel awkward and strange because such requests are rarely made. 
• Be sure to empathize with the listener who doesn’t want to reflect back. 
• To prevent awkward exchanges, we can explain to people ahead of time why we may sometimes ask them to reflect back our words. We make clear that we’re not testing their listening skills, but checking out whether we’ve expressed ourselves clearly. 

Requesting Honesty 

• After we’ve openly expressed ourselves and received the understanding we want, we’re often eager to know the other person’s reaction to what we’ve said. 
• Usually, the honesty we would like to receive takes one of three directions:
  • Their Feelings
    • Sometimes we’d like to know the feelings that are stimulated by what we’ve said, and the reasons for those feelings.   
    • We might request this by asking, “I would like you to tell me how you feel about what I just said, and your reasons for feeling as you do.” 
  • Their Thoughts
    • Sometimes we’d like to know something about our listener’s thoughts in response to what they just heard us say. 
    • For example, we might say, “I’d like you to tell me if you predict my proposal would be successful, and if not, what you believe would prevent its success.” 
    • When we don’t specify which thoughts we would like to receive, the other person may respond at great length with thoughts that aren’t the ones we are seeking. 
  • Their Willingness
    • Sometimes we’d like to know whether the other person is willing to take certain actions that we’ve recommended. 
    • Such a request may sound like this, “I’d like you to tell me if you would be willing to postpone our meeting for one week.” 

Making Requests to a Group 

• It is especially important when we are addressing a group to be clear about the kind of understanding or honesty that we want back after we’ve expressed ourselves. 
• When we are not clear about the response we’d like, we may initiate unproductive conversations that end up satisfying no one’s needs. 
• In a group, much time is wasted when speakers aren’t certain what response they’re wanting. 

Requests versus Demands 

• Our requests will be received as demands when others believe they will be blamed or punished if they do not comply. 
• When people hear a demand, they see only two options: submission or rebellion. 
• The more we have in the past blamed, punished, or “laid guilt trips” on others when they haven’t responded to our requests, the higher the likelihood that our requests will now be heard as demands. 
• To tell if it’s a demand or a request, observe what the speaker does if the request is not complied with. 
• The more we interpret noncompliance as rejection, the more likely our requests will be heard as demands. This leads to a self-fulfilling prophecy, for the more people hear demands, the less they enjoy being around us. 
• We demonstrate that we are making a request rather than a demand by how we respond when others don’t comply. 
• If we are prepared to show an empathetic understanding of what prevents someone from doing what we asked, then by definition, we have made a request, not a demand. 
• Choosing to request rather than demand does not mean we give up when someone says no to our request. It does mean we don’t engage in persuasion until we have empathized with what’s preventing the other person from saying yes. 

Defining Our Objective When Making Requests 

• Expressing genuine requests also requires an awareness of our objective. 
• If our objective is only to change people and their behavior or to get our way, then NVC is not an appropriate tool. 
• When others trust our primary commitment is to the quality of the relationship, and that we expect this process to fulfill everyone’s needs, then they can trust that our requests are true requests and not camouflaged demands. 
• A consciousness of this objective is difficult to maintain for those whose work centers around influencing people and obtaining behavioral results. 
• Sometimes, however, even when we’re conscious of our intent and express our request with care, people may still hear a demand. This is particularly true when we occupy positions of authority and are speaking with those who have had past experiences with coercive authority figures. 
• When making a request, it is helpful to scan out minds for the sort of thoughts that automatically transform requests into demands:
  • He should be cleaning up after himself. 
  • She’s supposed to do what I ask. 
  • I deserve to get a raise. 
  • I’m justified in having them stay later. 
  • I have a right to more time off. 
• When we frame our needs with these thoughts, we are bound to judge others when they don’t do as we request. 

Summary 

• The fourth component of NVC addresses the question of what we would like to request of each other to enrich each of our lives. 
• We try to avoid vague, abstract, or ambiguous phrasing, and remember to use positive action language by stating what we are requesting rather than what we are not. 
• Each time we speak, the clearer we are about what we want back, the more likely we are to get it. 
• Since the message we send is not always the message received, we need to learn how to figure out if our message has been accurately heard. 
• Requests are received as demands when listeners believe that they will be blamed or punished if they do not comply. 
• The objective of NVC is not to change people and their behavior to get our way; it is to establish relationships based on honesty and empathy that will eventually fulfill everyone’s needs.