Ch. 5 Taking Responsibility for Our Feelings 

Chapter 5 – Taking Responsibility for Our Feelings, page 49.

• What others do may be the stimulus for our feelings, but not the cause. 
• The third component of NVC is the acknowledgment of the root of our feelings. 
• NVC heightens our awareness that what others say and do may be the stimulus, but never the cause, of our feelings. 
• Our feelings result from how we choose to receive what others say and do and from our particular needs and expectations at that moment. 
• The third component will lead us to accept responsibility for our role in generating our own feelings. 

Hearing a Negative Message: Four Options 

• When someone gives us a negative message, whether verbally or nonverbally, we have four options as to how to receive it:
  • Blame Ourselves
    • One option is to take it personally by hearing blame or criticism. 
    • We choose this option at great cost to our self-esteem, for it inclines us toward feelings of guilt, shame, and depression. 
  • Blame Others
    • A second option is to fault the speaker. 
    • When we receive messages this way, and blame the speaker, we are likely to feel anger. 
  • Sense Our Own Feelings and Needs
    • The third option, when receiving negative messages, is to shine the light of consciousness on our own feelings and needs. 
    • By focusing attention on our own feelings and needs, we become conscious that our current feeling of hurt derives from a need for the recognition of our efforts.
    • We accept responsibility for our feelings, rather than blame other people, by acknowledging our own needs, desires, expectations, values, and thoughts. 
  • Sense Others’ Feelings and Needs
    • Finally, a fourth option for receiving a negative message is to shine the light of consciousness on the other person’s feelings and needs as they are currently expressed. 
• It is helpful to recognize several common speech patterns that tend to mask accountability for our own feelings:
  • Use of impersonal pronouns such as it and that:  “It really infuriates me when…” 
  • The use of the expression “I feel (emotion) because…” followed by a person or personal pronoun other than I: “I feel hurt because you…” 
  • Statements that mention only the actions of others: “When you don’t (action), I feel (emotion).” 
• In each of these instances, we can deepen our awareness of our own responsibility by substituting the phrase, “I feel… because I need…” 

The Needs at the Roots of Feelings 

• Judgments, criticisms, diagnoses, and interpretations of others are all alienated expressions of our needs. 
• When we express our needs indirectly through the use of evaluations, interpretations, and images, others are likely to hear criticism. 
• When people hear anything that sounds like criticism, they tend to invest their energy in self-defense or counterattacks. 
• Instead, the more directly we can connect our feelings to our own needs, the easier it is for others to respond to us compassionately.  
• Unfortunately, most of us have never been taught to think in terms of needs. We are accustomed to thinking about what’s wrong with other people when our needs aren’t being fulfilled. 
• It has been my experience over and over again that from the moment people begin talking about what they need rather than what’s wrong with one another, the possibility of finding ways to meet everybody’s needs is greatly increased. 

From Emotional Slavery to Emotional Liberation 

• In our development toward a state of emotional liberation, most of us experience three stages in the way we relate to others. These stages are:
  • Stage 1: Emotional Slavery
    • We believe ourselves responsible for the feelings of others. 
    • We must strive to keep everyone happy. 
    • If they don’t appear happy, we feel responsible and compelled to do something about it. 
    • This can easily lead us to see the very people who are closest to us as burdens. 
    • Taking responsibility for the feelings of others can be very detrimental to relationships. 
  • Stage 2: The Obnoxious Stage
    • In this stage, we become aware of the high costs of assuming responsibility for others’ feelings and trying to accommodate them at our own expense. 
    • When we notice how much of our lives we’ve missed and how little we have responded to the call of our soul, we may get angry. 
    • I refer jokingly to this stage as the obnoxious stage because we tend toward obnoxious comments like, “That’s your problem! I’m not responsible for your feelings!” when presented with another person’s pain. 
    • We are clear about what we are not responsible for, but have yet to learn how to be responsible to others in a way that is not emotionally enslaving. 
    • As we emerge from the stage of emotional slavery, we may continue to carry remnants of fear and guilt around having our own needs. Thus it is not surprising that we end up expressing our needs in ways that sound rigid and unyielding to the ears of others. 
    • In the obnoxious stage, we have yet to grasp that emotional liberation entails more than simply asserting our own needs. 
  • Stage 3: Emotional Liberation
    • In the third stage, emotional liberation, we respond to the needs of others out of compassion, never out of fear, guilt, or shame. 
    • We accept full responsibility for our own intentions and actions, but not for the feelings of others. 
    • At this stage, we are aware that we can never meet our own needs at the expense of others. 
    • Emotional liberation involves stating clearly what we need in a way that communicates that we are equally concerned that the needs of others be fulfilled. 
    • NVC is designed to support us in relating at this level. 

Summary 

• The third component of NVC is the acknowledgment of the needs behind our feelings. 
• What others say and do may be the stimulus for, but never the cause of, our feelings. 
• When someone communicates negatively, we have four options as to how to receive the message:
  • Blame ourselves. 
  • Blame others. 
  • Sense our own feelings and needs. 
  • Sense the feelings and needs hidden in the other person’s negative message. 
• Judgments, criticisms, diagnoses, and interpretations of others are all alienated expressions of our own needs and values. 
• When others hear criticism, they tend to invest their energy in self-defense and counterattack. 
• The more directly we can connect our feelings to our needs, the easier it is for others to respond compassionately. 
• In the course of developing emotional responsibility, most of us experience three stages:
  • Emotional Slavery – Believing ourselves responsible for the feelings of others. 
  • The Obnoxious Stage – Refusing to admit to caring what anyone else feels or needs. 
  • Emotional Liberation – Accepting full responsibility for our feelings but not the feelings of others, while being aware we can never meet our own needs at the expense of others.