Ch. 11 Conflict Resolution and Mediation 

Chapter 11 – Conflict Resolution and Mediation, page 161.

• Now that you are familiar with the steps involved in NVC, I want to address how to apply them in resolving conflicts. 
• These could be conflicts between yourself and someone else, or you may be asked to – or choose to – involve yourself in a conflict between others. 
• Whatever the situation may be, resolving conflicts involves all the principles I outlined previously in this book:
  • Observing, identifying, and expressing feelings. 
  • Connecting feelings with needs. 
  • Making doable requests of another person using clear, concrete, positive action language. 

Human Connection 

• In NVC-style conflict resolution, creating a connection between people who are in conflict is the most important thing. 
• It’s not until you have forged that connection that each side will seek to know exactly what the other side is feeling and needing. 
• The parties also need to know from the start that the objective is not to get the other side to do what they want them to do. 
• Once the two sides understand that, it becomes possible to have a conversation about how to meet their needs. 

A Different Value System 

• With NVC we are trying to live a different value system. 
• What’s most important is that every connection along the line mirrors the kind of world we’re trying to create.  
• How we ask for change reflects the value system we’re trying to support. 
• Instead of simply trying to get a person to do what we want, we work to create that quality of mutual concern and respect where each party thinks their own needs matter and they are conscious that their needs and the other person’s well-being are interdependent. 
• When I’m asked to resolve a conflict, I work to lead the two sides to this caring and respectful connection. 
• I then help both sides create strategies that will resolve the conflict to both sides’ satisfaction. 
• I use the word satisfaction instead of compromise.
• Most attempts at resolution search for compromise, which means everybody gives something up and neither side is satisfied. NVC is different; our objective is to meet everyone’s needs fully. 

NVC Conflict Resolution versus Traditional Mediation 

• Most mediators educate themselves about the issues involved in the conflict and then mediate with those issues as the focus instead of focusing on creating a human connection. 
• In typical third-party mediation, the conflicting parties may not even be in the same room. 
• Many mediators define their role as a “third head” trying to think of a way to get everybody to agree. 
• In my experience, connecting people at this level is the core of mediation because when you make this connection, the problem solves itself most of the time. 
• Instead of a third head asking, “What can we agree to here?”, a clear statement of each person’s needs will then uncover what can be done to get everybody’s needs met. These become the strategies the parties agree to implement after the mediation session concludes. 

NVC Conflict Resolution Steps – A Quick Overview 

• Five Steps to Conflict Resolution:
  • First, we express our own needs. 
  • Second, we search for the real needs of the other person, no matter how they are expressing themselves. 
  • Third, we verify that each party accurately recognizes the other person’s needs. If not, we continue to seek the needs behind their words. 
  • Fourth, we provide as much empathy as is required for us to mutually hear each other’s needs accurately. 
  • And fifth, having clarified each party’s needs in the situation, we propose strategies for resolving the conflict, framing them in positive action language. 
• Throughout the process, we’re listening to each other with utmost care, avoiding the use of language that implies wrongness on either side. 

On Needs, Strategies, and Analysis 

• Fundamentally, needs are the resources life requires to sustain itself. 
• I believe that all people have the same needs regardless of nationality, religion, gender, income, education, etc.  
• It is important, when resolving conflicts, that we can clearly recognize the difference between needs and strategies 
• In order not to confuse needs and strategies, it is important to recall that needs contain no reference to anybody taking any particular action. 
• On the other hand, strategies, which may appear in the form of requests, desires, wants, and “solutions,” refer to specific actions that specific people may take. 

Sensing Others’ Needs, No Matter What They’re Saying 

• To resolve conflicts using NVC, we need to train ourselves to hear people’s needs regardless of how they express them.
• If we really want to be of assistance to others, the first thing to learn is to translate any message into an expression of a need. 
• We hone our skills to hear the need within every message, even if at first we have to rely on guesses. 
• Once we sense what the other person needs, we can check in with them, and then help them put their needs into words. 
• If we are truly able to hear their need, a new level of connection is forged – a critical piece that moves the conflict toward a successful resolution. 

Empathy to Ease the Pain That Prevents Hearing 

• When people are upset, they often need empathy before they can hear what is being said to them. 
• Especially if there is a long history of pain, it is important to offer enough empathy so that the parties feel reassured that their pain is being recognized and understood. 
• Just as we are not trained to express our own needs, most of us have not been trained in hearing the needs of others. 

Using Present and Positive Action Language to Resolve Conflict 

• Once both parties have connected with each other’s needs, the next step is to arrive at strategies that meet them.
• By fully hearing each other’s needs before addressing solutions, parties in conflict are much more likely to adhere to the agreements they make with each other. 
• The process of resolving conflict has to end with actions that meet everybody’s needs. 
• It is the presentation of strategies in clear, present, positive action language that moves conflicts toward resolution. 
• A present language statement refers to what is wanted at this moment. 
• The use of a present language request that begins with “Would you be willing to …” helps foster a respectful discussion. 
• If the other side answers that they are not willing, it invites the next step of understanding what prevents their willingness. 
• The clearer we are regarding the response we want right now from the other party, the more effectively we move the conflict toward resolution. 

Using Action Verbs 

• In situations of conflict, it is especially important to focus on what we do want rather than what we do not want. 
• Talking about what one doesn’t want can easily create confusion and resistance among conflicting parties. 
• Action language requires the use of action verbs, while also avoiding language that obscures, or language that can readily be inferred as an attack. 
• Instead of using vague words like “listen” to express strategies, I suggest the use of action verbs to capture something that we can see or hear happening – something that can be captured with a video camera. 
• “Listening” occurs inside a person’s head: another person cannot see whether it is happening or not. 
• One way to determine that someone is actually listening is to have that person reflect back what had been said. 

Translating “No” 

• When we express a request, it’s very important to be respectful of the other person’s reaction, whether or not they agree to our request. 
• Listening carefully to the message behind the “no” helps us understand the other person’s needs: when they say “no,” they’re saying they have a need that keeps them from saying “yes” to what we are asking. 
• If we can hear the need behind a “no,” we can continue the conflict resolution process – maintaining our focus on finding a way to meet everybody’s needs – even if the other party says “no” to the particular strategy we presented them. 

Your Role, and Trust in the Process 

• When entering a conflict process as a mediator, a good place to start might be to assure the people in conflict that we are not there to take sides, but to support them in hearing each other, and to help guide them to a solution that meets everyone’s needs.
• We may also want to convey our confidence that, if the parties follow the steps of NVC, both of their needs will be met in the end. 

Remember: It’s Not About Us 

• In NVC, the objective is not to get the other person to do what we want them to do. 
• This also applies to mediating someone else’s conflict. 
• As mediators, we need to remember that we are not here to accomplish our own goals. 
• The mediator’s role is to create an environment in which the parties can connect, express their needs, understand each other’s needs, and arrive at strategies to meet those needs. 

Emergency First-Aid Empathy 

• Often, when I express empathy toward one side, it is not unusual for the other side to immediately accuse me of favoritism. 
• At this time, what’s called for is emergency first-aid empathy. 
• Once the empathy has been expressed, I remind them that everyone will have the opportunity to be heard, and their turn will be next. 

Keep Track: Follow the Bouncing Ball 

• When we are mediating, we have to “keep score” by paying careful attention to what has been said, making sure both parties have the opportunity to express their needs, listen to the other person’s needs, and make requests. 
• We also need to “follow the bouncing ball”: being conscious of where one party left off so we can return to what that party said after the other party has been heard. 
• This can be challenging, especially when things get heated. 
• In such situations, I often find it helpful to use a whiteboard or flip chart to capture the essence of what was spoken by the last speaker who had the opportunity to express a feeling or need. 
• This form of visual tracking can also serve to reassure both parties that their needs will be addressed. 
• In this way, everyone can more easily offer their full attention to what is being expressed in the current moment. 

Keep the Conversation Present 

• Another important quality to bring to mediation is awareness of the moment: Who needs what right now? What are their present requests? 
• Maintaining this awareness requires a lot of practice being present in the moment, which is something most of us have never been taught to do. 
• In mediation, we will likely hear a lot of discussion about what happened in the past and what people want to happen differently in the future. 
• However, conflict resolution can only happen right now, so now is where we need to focus. 

Interrupting 

• Sometimes mediations get heated with people shouting at or talking over one another. 
• To keep the process on track under such circumstances, we need to get comfortable with interrupting. 
• When we are grabbing attention, we have to be quick. 
• If the person reacts with anger when we interrupt, we can sense that they are in too much pain to hear us, this is the time for emergency first-aid empathy. 

Informal Mediation: Sticking Our Nose in Other People’s Business 

• Informal mediation is a polite way to mediate in situations where we’ve not been invited to do so. 
• In so many words, we’re sticking our nose in other people’s business. 
• When we witness behaviors that raise concerns in us, the first thing to do is to empathize with the needs of the person who is behaving in the way we dislike. 
• To be truly helpful to people in whose business we are sticking our nose, we need to have developed an extensive literacy regarding needs, and be well practiced at hearing the need in any message. 
• We need to practice verbal empathy so that people sense that we are connected with their needs. 
• We refrain from mentioning our own needs regarding the person’s behavior until it is clear to them that we understand and care about his or her needs. 
• Unless we make sure that both sides are aware of their own as well as each other’s needs, it will be hard for us to succeed. 

Summary 

• The use of NVC to resolve conflict differs from traditional mediation methods; instead of deliberating over issues, strategies, and means of compromise, we concentrate foremost on identifying the needs of both parties and only then seek strategies to fulfill those needs. 
• We start by forging a human connection between the parties in conflict. 
• Then we ensure that both parties have the opportunity to fully express their needs, that they carefully listen to the other person’s needs, and that once the needs have been heard, they clearly express doable action steps to meet those needs. 
• When one party is in too much pain to hear the needs of the other, we extend empathy. 
• Only after all needs have been mutually heard, do we progress to the solutions stage: making doable requests using positive, action language.