Chapter 14 – Expressing Appreciation in Nonviolent Communication, page 215.
The Intention Behind Appreciation
- “You did a good job on that report.” “Great presentation!”
- Such statements are typically uttered as expressions of appreciation in life-alienating communication.
- Notice that appreciation expressed in this form reveals little of what is going on inside the speaker; it establishes the speaker as someone who sits in judgment.
- I define judgments – both positive and negative – as life-alienating communication.
The Three Components of Appreciation
- NVC clearly distinguishes three components in the expression of appreciation:
- The actions that have contributed to our well-being.
- The particular needs of ours that have been fulfilled.
- The pleasure feelings engendered by the fulfillment of those needs.
- If we want to ensure that our appreciation has been fully received, it is valuable to develop the eloquence to express all three components verbally.
- Saying “thank you” in NVC: “This is what you did; this is what I feel; this is the need of mine that was met.”
Receiving Appreciation
- For many of us, it is difficult to receive appreciation gracefully.
- NVC encourages us to receive appreciation with the same quality of empathy we express when listening to other messages.
- We hear what we have done that has contributed to others’ well-being; we hear their feelings and needs that were fulfilled.
- We take into our hearts the joyous reality that we can enhance the quality of others’ lives.
- Receive appreciation without feelings of superiority or false humility.
The Hunger for Appreciation
- Paradoxically, despite our unease in receiving appreciation, most of us yearn to be genuinely recognized and appreciated.
- What appreciation might someone give you that would leave you jumping for joy?
- Often we are continuously searching for improvements, while barely stopping to celebrate things that are going well.
Summary
- Conventional compliments often take the form of judgments, however positive, and sometimes intended to manipulate the behavior of others.
- NVC encourages the expression of appreciation solely for celebration.
- We state:
- The action that has contributed to our well-being.
- The particular need of ours that has been fulfilled.
- The feelings of pleasure engendered as a result.
