Chapter 1 – Giving From the Heart, page 1.
Introduction
- Believing that it is our nature to enjoy giving and receiving compassionately, I have been preoccupied most of my life with two questions:
- What happens to disconnect us from our compassionate nature?
- (And) Conversely, what allows some people to stay connected to their compassionate nature under even the most trying circumstances?
- While studying the factors that affect our ability to stay compassionate, I was struck by the crucial role of language and our use of words.
- I have since identified a specific approach to communicating – both speaking and listening – that leads us to give from the heart, connecting us with ourselves and with each other in a way that allows our natural compassion to flourish.
- I call this approach Nonviolent Communication, using the term nonviolence as Gandhi used it – to refer to our natural state of compassion when violence is subdued from the heart.
A Way to Focus Attention
- NVC guides us in reframing how we express ourselves and hear others.
- Instead of habitual, automatic reactions, our words become conscious responses based firmly on awareness of what we are perceiving, feeling, and wanting.
- We are led to express ourselves with honesty and clarity, while simultaneously paying others respectful and empathetic attention.
- NVC trains us to observe carefully and to specify behaviors and conditions that are affecting us.
- We learn to identify and clearly articulate what we are concretely wanting in any given situation.
- We perceive relationships in a new light when we use NVC to hear our own deeper needs and those of others.
- When we focus on clarifying what is being observed, felt, and needed rather than on diagnosing and judging, we discover the depth of our own compassion.
- Although I refer to NVC as “a process language,” NVC is more than a process or a language. On a deeper level, it is an ongoing reminder to keep our attention focused on a place where we are more likely to get what we are seeking.
- I developed NVC as a way to train my attention – to shine the light of consciousness – on places that have the potential to yield what I am seeking.
- The use of NVC does not require that the persons with whom we are communicating be literate in NVC, or even motivated to relate to us compassionately.
The NVC Process
- The four components of the NVC model:
- First, we observe what is actually happening in a situation, articulating this observation without introducing any judgment or evaluation.
- Next, we state how we feel when we observe this action.
- Thirdly, we specify what need of ours is connected to the feelings we have identified.
- Fourth, and last, we express what we are wanting from the other person that would enrich our lives.
- The other part of this communication consists of receiving the same four pieces of information from others.
- We connect with them by first sensing what they are observing, feeling, and needing.
- Then we discover what would enrich their lives by receiving the fourth piece – their request.
- As we keep our attention focused on the areas mentioned, and help others do likewise, we establish a flow of communication, back and forth, until compassion manifests naturally.
- When we use this process, we may begin either by expressing ourselves or by empathetically receiving these four pieces of information from others.
- NVC is not a set formula, but something that adapts to various situations.
The Four Components (Re)Summarized
- The concrete actions we observe that affect our well-being.
- How we feel in relation to what we observe.
- The needs, values, desires, etc. that create our feelings.
- The concrete actions we request in order to enrich our lives.
Summary
- NVC helps us connect with each other and ourselves in a way that allows natural compassion to flourish.
- It guides us to reframe the way we express ourselves and listen to others by focusing our consciousness on four areas: what we are observing, feeling, and needing, and what we are requesting to enrich our lives.
- Some people use NVC to respond compassionately to themselves, some to create greater depth in their personal relationships, and others to build effective relationships at work.
- Worldwide, NVC is used to mediate disputes and conflicts at all levels.
