Behavior #11: Listen First, page 208.
Summary: Behavior #11 – Listen First
- Listen before you speak.
- Understand.
- Diagnose.
- Listen with your ears – and your eyes and heart.
- Find out what the most important behaviors are to the people you’re working with.
- Don’t assume you know what matters most to others.
- Don’t presume you have all the answers – or all the questions.
Behavior #11 – Listen First
“If there is any great secret of success in life, it lies in the ability to put yourself in the other person’s place and to see things from his point of view – as well as your own.” – Henry Ford
- As we look now at Behavior #11 – Listen First – we move into the final three behaviors, which require an almost equal blend of character and competence.
- To Listen First means not only to really listen (genuinely seek to understand another person’s thoughts, feelings, experience, and point of view), but to do it first (before you try to diagnose, influence, or prescribe).
- It’s vital to listen, to understand first. Otherwise, you may be acting on assumptions that are incorrect.
- The principles behind Listen First include understanding, respect, and mutual benefit.
- The opposite is to speak first and listen last – or not listen at all:
- It’s focusing on getting out your agenda without considering whether others may have information, ideas, or perspectives that could influence what you have to say.
- It’s ignoring other people’s need to be understood.
- It’s self-focused, ego-driven behavior, and it does not build trust.
- The counterfeit is pretend listening:
- It’s spending “listening” time thinking about your reply and just waiting for your turn to speak.
- It’s listening without understanding.
- Listen First is the behavior I recommend most. It’s the starting point in almost any situation.
The Impact on Speed and Cost
- Some people say that Listen First is inefficient, that it takes too much time. I couldn’t disagree more.
- Listening First is highly pragmatic – it has an almost unparalleled positive impact in establishing trust, and on speed and cost.
- When you Listen First, you:
- Get insight and understanding you wouldn’t have had.
- Make better decisions.
- Show respect.
- Give psychological air.
Making Deposits
- One of the huge benefits of Listen First is that it helps you learn how to build trust.
- It helps you understand which behaviors make deposits in a particular Trust Account and which do not.
- Listen First means to listen “for” not listen “to.” When you listen to someone you are listening for what matters most to them.
Trust Tips
- If you’re on the left – either not listening or not listening first – you may need to focus on humility (Integrity), a mutual benefit agenda (Intent), empathetic listening skills (Capabilities), or ensuring that the other person feels understood (Results).
- Here are two keys that may be helpful to you in working on Results:
- Generally, as long as a person is communicating with high emotion, he or she does not yet feel understood.
- A person will usually not ask for your advice until he or she feels understood. To offer advice too early will usually stir up more emotion – or cause someone to simply ignore what you say.
- If you’re on the right side of the curve – spending all your time listening and never bringing the conversation to the point of decision-making, counseling, or influencing – you may want to focus on courage (Integrity), acting in the other person’s best interest (Intent), developing decision-making and collaboration skills (Capabilities), or simply getting things done (Results).
Improving Your Ability to Listen First
- Think back over your interactions with others during the past week. Think of a time when you did or didn’t Listen First. What were the results? What would have been the results if you had behaved differently?
- The next time you are in a conversation, stop and ask yourself, “Have I really listened to the other person? Do I really understand how he or she feels?” If not, simply stop and do it.
- In your company, take proactive steps to understand your stakeholders – both internal and external. Don’t get caught up in the illusion that you know everything or have all the right answers. Consider what you can do to ensure others that you are listening to them and making an effort to meet their concerns and needs.
